Phantom Cat

I've recently acquired a foster cat, belonging to my former tenant, whom I'm caring for until she acquires a new home that can accommodate him.

He mostly lives in the back yard, but I let him in when I'm home. He usually sleeps on my bed until 3:30 am, and then gets active and leaves when I open the back door for him.

This morning, though, I seemed to feel his presence after I put him out. Maybe I was already back asleep, but I felt little shifts in weight on the bed and even put out an arm once or twice to check for the presence of a furry body causing them. None was there, of course.

Truly weird.

Segway and Me

So Jan wanted to take the Segway tour of Angel Island. I had been curious about the device and was game to give it a try. We got instructions, were guided aboard our devices, and were told to tool around this paved area to get used to them for a bit.

They are electrically powered, and you get them to go forward, stop, or go backward by shifting your body weight from your toes to your heels. You need fairly decent balance to get off and on and navigate turns, especially on slopes. But I was doing OK, and even having some fun until my feet started to ache.

I have extremely flat feet, and have worn heavy-duty custom orthotics for years. But they (feet and orthotics) weren't up to the challenge of standing fixed in one position and shifting my weight as required. My pain steadily increased, and toward the top of a steep incline I began to wonder if spending the next hour and a half in that kind of pain might cause me medical problems of some sort. And, bingo, a panic attack. Fortunately fairly mild, but the tingling in my face suggested that hyperventilation and light-headedness were not far off.

So I dismounted and sat down, and the nice guide told us that this would be a good place to leave the Segways with him, before we reached narrow trails where my discomfort could create real safety problems, and he would try to get our money back.

I was very disappointed and hard put to avoid beating myself up, thinking I would have had less pain if I were in better shape, and that I could have avoided triggering the panic attack. But we went on afoot, and had a picnic lunch on a bench overlooking Tiburon, Belvedere, and Mount Tamalpais, and made it partway around the island to a vista point with a great view of the City, the Bay Bridge, and fog advancing upon us through the Golden Gate.

Our curiousity about the Segways and Angel Island was appeased, and we had a fairly decent time. And my first goal on reaching the City was a pedicure and a lengthy foot massage.

Chocolate Meditation

I was working on my High Holy Day music with the Cantor the other day, and she told me about 'chocolate meditation' that her three-year-old son was doing in school. They put a piece of chocolate in their mouths and pay attention while it melted. I've been asked to do similar things at meditation retreats and writing workshops.

Later, she suggested that I create a phrase to consider before launching into each chant during the service, one that reflects the mood of the piece or that prepares me to chant it musically and mindfully. She has found that the phrase 'peanut butter' somehow prepares her vocal apparatus to function at its best. 'Chocolate' makes me feel safe and happy; I think I'll give it a try.

Finally the New Siddur

After about two years' effort, Siddur Sha'ar Zahav finally rolled off the printing press and into our hands last week. It was formally inaugurated on Pride Shabbat 2009, but its actual first congregational use was the day before, when I used it to lead ma'ariv before the Ritual Committee meeting.

It's a beautiful book, and it was brought into being by the labors of a cast of dozens. Most especially Jo Ellen Green Kaiser, Michael Tyler, Leslie Kane, and Andrew Ramer, and Rabbi Camille Angel.

Now that my humble contributions to it are in print, I feel particularly humble about them. They don't seem to be good enough. Here's where I'm grateful that I wasn't responsible for choosing to include them. Two different editorial committees thought they added something that the book needed. So they must be good enough.

I've Been Remiss

When I'm not playing recorders, hanging with my sweetie, attending a meeting, or conducting worship, I'm sucking my thumb and watching TV and/or reading. So I haven't been writing lately. My bad.

Here's a recent piece of Buddhist wisdom:

Seeing ourselves plainly, we can change, and as we do so, it brings a feeling of great relief, as if we had dropped a heavy load.

Ayya Khema, "Who is My Self?

This reminds me of the somewhat paradoxical idea that we can't change anything about ourselves until we first accept ourselves as we are. The connection between these ideas is that we can't accept ourselves unless we first have seen ourselves plainly.

However, it's not easy to take an objective view of myself. I have an inner critic who can be scathing. So I may over-correct and decide that I'm the greatestt thing since sliced bread. Neither extreme is very helpful. Maybe it's time to reread "I'm OK; You're OK."

Curiosity and Kindness

So I was talking with a new friend about the ravages of old age, and my inner crone suggested that we may find them less trying if we view them with curiosity and kindness. If we look at the changes in our bodies and minds with simple curiosity instead of dread or anger. If we treat ourselves gently and be kind to ourselves about these changes.

Hey, let's be kind out there.

Today's thought

Actually, it's my horoscope:

Today's New Moon falls in your 11th House of Long-Term Goals, luring you to think about the distant future instead of the next few days. But instead of kicking back and slipping into a series of daydreams, it's best to take the bull by the horns and methodically build your ideal fantasy one concrete thought at a time. Planning is very useful now as long as you are willing to follow through with the work later on.

Since I'm on vacation until January 5th, now is an especially good time for me to do some planning. In between my mad social whirl, of course. I went to a long "hang out around some munchies" party on Christmas day, and yesterday I went on a hike with Wilderness Women in the morning and attended Kung Pau Kosher Comedy in the evening. Today I get to have acupuncture and do a little shopping and my laundry.

As for planning, I have some questions to resolve about my Times Mirror pension, which is being held by the Tribune, which has just declared bankruptcy. And eventually Jim's old flat will be ready for occupancy, and I'll have to finally decide whether to move downstairs. And then decide when to retire, and what to do with myself then, etc. That is to say, "build my ideal fantasy." Off to the drawing board.