A Strange
Contentment
My emotions
have been a mystery to me for most of my life. This usually bothers me only
when they’re uncomfortable, because I want to understand how I’m feeling so I
can do something to make myself feel better. Without that insight, I cultivate
responses that can help me regardless of the specifics, usually distraction or
self-comfort.
I recently
noticed that my good feelings are often equally mysterious. I get this ripple
of something pleasant in my chest, and notice it with baffled appreciation. I
try to remember what preceded the ripple and inspect it for clues about its
cause.
Sometimes
I’ve just paused one activity, taken a deep breath, and turned to something
else. Sometimes I’ve just figured something out or accomplished something.
Sometimes
I have a sense that my digestion is working smoothly, for a change, and my
internal chemistry is in a relatively good state. Lately, I’ve been noticing
this pleasant
ripple of feeling when I get up from the throne, which also
suggests a happy digestive system.
Sometimes, I
can just remember the happy little ripple and feel its echo, completely
divorced from anything in my environment or any particular thought. This is a
lovely ability to have, and makes me smile, which is itself both a response to
and a cause of happiness.
For so long
I have been my own worst enemy, with an inner critic frequently beating me up
and eroding my self-esteem. Maybe I’m discovering a new member of my internal
committee, one who is simply happy here and now. I will call her my happy
camper, and hope for her frequent attendance.
No comments:
Post a Comment