Finding a Kindred Spirit

Once I came up to a couple who belonged to my church, and announced that they were my kind of people. They lit up, and we became friends. Years later, they told me that my statement had drawn them to me. What I hadn't said at the time was that what I had actually noticed about them was that they were, like me, quite short. This shared trait was enough for me to create some fellow feeling. They had, however, taken my comment as referring to their character or interests or spirituality, at any rate, as something deeper than their actual height.

I have found that a similarity in height is helpful in a romantic situation, but it can't be the only thing we share. I tried that once or twice, and it doesn't work.

For a good relationship of any kind, one needs a kindred spirit. We must share some values and some interests. Complete identity of these characteristics isn't required, but some overlap is needed to make a relationship work.

When I was trying to be straight, I somehow acquired an extremely tall boyfriend who belonged to my church. We shared a belief in God and the commandments, so unmarried sex was not an option. Our intellectual interests were quite different, and our musical tastes intersected only at the Carpenters. But we kissed and cuddled, and suited each other well enough until I moved away for law school.

Then I sought friends among classmates and fellow congregants, and started to come out as a lesbian. But did I ever find a kindred spirit, a soul mate? I kept thinking I had found someone who was kin enough, but sooner or later it fell apart. Sarah lasted the longest.

I may not have the gift of having or being a kindred spirit. So nowadays I cultivate whatever kind of relationship develops with my friends. If I ask of no one what she doesn't have to give, maybe she won't ask me for what I don't have to give, and we can enjoy each other for who we are.