My Committee

My Committee

There’s a committee in my head. The loudest member at any time usually controls my behavior. There are probably more members than I’ve noticed and named, but here are the ones I know.

My inner child is a lazy brat. When I find some pending chore or event to be onerous or somehow threatening, she cocks a snook and goes: “Nyah, nyah! You can’t make me.” She takes great pleasure every second she keeps me immobile. Her grasp on my controls fades only when the penalty for failing to act outweighs the pleasure of inaction or when there is more relief to be had from doing whatever it was than in avoiding it.

A more responsible member of my committee is the good soldier. When I was moved in my teens from Harrisburg to Berkeley to Santa Monica, my soldier accepted her orders and adjusted. When she was in control, I either forgot or suppressed memories of my last home so I wouldn’t be immobilized by grieving what I’d lost. Instead, I’d turn my energies to getting familiar with my new home.

A wise philosopher makes an occasional appearance on my committee. She looks at the lemons in my life and makes lemonade. When some plan falls through, or seems like it might do so, she figures out how to salvage the situation, find some alternative treat, or get something else accomplished.

My inner mother isn’t always wise or nurturing. When something goes wrong, she’s equally liable to blame me for it as to say ‘There, there; it’s not your fault.” Sometimes she counsels distracting myself with a book until I calm down a bit, and sometimes her advice is to punish myself with sarcasm until I’m ready to move on.

What my committee really needs is a chairwoman, someone who stands apart from the reflexive reactions and has the perspective to know that each member is only a part of the whole. Someone who can stand up to the loudest voice and say, “Thank you for your contribution. I’d like to hear what the other committee members have to say.” Someone who can lay all the points of view on the table and examine them with kindly curiosity. Someone who won’t be paralyzed by incompatible choices or perfectionism. Someone who can come to a good enough resolution, knowing that it doesn’t have to last forever, just long enough for a good try.

Wait a second. If I can imagine this person, how much harder can it be to imagine her onto my committee? Oh, the real problem will be remembering to summon her when the need arises. We’ll see how that goes.