Queer Elder?! Me?!

I must be a queer elder, mustn’t I? I’m definitely a lesbian: my experiences with boyfriends never got beyond kissing. Once I enjoyed my first lesbian lover, I never looked back. And most folks would consider me an elder, since I qualify for Medicare and senior discounts.

So, what does it mean to be an elder, and how is being a queer elder any different?

I like to think that living into my seventh decade has given me some gifts to compensate for the sheer wear and tear. For every decrease in pain-free range of motion or clarity of eyesight, I hope that I gain whatever tenacity, wisdom, or acceptance comes with having survived more challenges, wrangles, and people who are every bit as weird as I am. At worst, my experiences show me which approaches don’t work. The more mistakes I have made, the more things I know better than to do again. I don’t waste the time and effort of repeating old mistakes; I have the opportunity to make new ones.

Most kinds of physical or emotional discomfort are familiar to me. Thus, when I experience them again, I have the means to comfort myself with the knowledge that I got past them before and will probably survive them again.

Being a queer elder suggests having wisdom gained from my queer experiences, personal relationships, and lifestyle. Living in San Francisco, I have some experience with gay rights activism, especially in religious communities and politics. I can tell youngsters who grew up in more accepting times what it was like marching in the early Pride parades, what it was like standing outside City Hall after the Milk-Moscone murders, and what it was like having my civil rights determined by mayors, governors, courts, and elections.

Openhouse provides many ways to share our experiences with others—in writing, on video, in person. Being fond of the sound of my own voice, I take advantage of most of these opportunities. I tame any unrealistic expectations and my own perfectionism by remembering that I can only speak for myself and my experiences. Everyone’s life is unique, and we all have something special to share.

Let’s take on the mantle of queer elderhood with grace or at least resignation. We stand on the shoulders of our own elders. Let’s pay it forward to nurture the next queer generation and to preserve our history for the ages.